December 2nd, 2022 – 8:29pm – Haifa Hostel, Haifa, Israel:

The greatest and most wonderful gift I have received from God is Jesus and next to Jesus the gift of loneliness is second.

Loneliness drives me to Him. And He meets me and He fills all those deep empty places in me in an instant. Loneliness brings tears and pain to my eyes and just as quickly He pours out His presence and love to fill me to overflowing with Himself.

Today I spent the day getting away to the natural springs and the beach with Him. We didn’t speak much just enjoyed each others company. I can feel Him with me strongly and it’s very comforting… and in days like today even though my heart had so many questions I simply enjoyed being His and being with Him. Just us. Enjoying the quiet of the waters and the sun shining down.

When loneliness threatens me I simply reach out and He is there waiting for me. Perhaps this is what He truly intended for us as His children… the unbroken fellowship with Him as our God. I know my brokenness threatens our relationship each day but He holds me so tightly. When I start to stray He gently draws me back to Him.

I wonder what His and my relationship with look like in a year or in five years or in ten? I wonder how close we can get to Him on this earth? I wonder what I will become as I focus more and more on Him being an active part in every moment of my day? I want the answers to these questions…

I read the Word and I look for anything that seems to resemble what He and I have and I struggle to find it. Maybe Paul… but then Paul doesn’t seem to write about such a relationship. Maybe Moses… no Moses had an external relationship it seems… mmmm… I would say Jesus but Jesus… being God didn’t have the relationship as I experience it. I am not God and so I can experience Him from an external… like in kind but not at all the same. There is something special about what we are as believers now… filled with the Spirit Of God. Jesus living inside us. Walking with the Trinity daily. The bond and the intensity of the intimacy. No other relationship can compare to it. What the Holy Spirit brings to us when He fills us… is incredible.

I meet people and I want them to know and experience God as I do. I want them to walk the loneliest paths where they can draw so closely to the heart of God. I want them to experience the joy of giving everything away for the sake of the gospel of Jesus. I want them to hear Him say, “You belong to me.”

It breaks my heart when my brothers and sisters in Christ struggle so to hear Him. And I don’t have an answer for them when they ask why they can’t hear Him as I do. I have to simply sit quietly and say that I don’t know the answer.

So loneliness… as a gift… wonderful. To be so cut off from everyone else that God is everything and the Only One. It is amazing!

He is calling me deeper with Him. Deeper into the depths of Obscurity and solitude and loneliness and the supernatural spiritual world that I was created to walk in. I have been terrified to let go and just be who He created me to be for so very long… since I was 16 actually.

I had a glimpse of what He had planned for my life and I ran! I ran into the world hoping that He wouldn’t catch me… but He runs faster. He waited till the perfect moment to break in and set me free from serving myself to serve Him.

And now the future belongs totally to Him. To lead me where He will lead me. To do what He has planned for me to do. And so I write on… into an unknown future.