December 8th, 2022 – 9:49am – Haifa Hostel, Haifa, Israel:

A few months ago while I was in solitude with the Lord He told me that one day I was to write a book called: “The Sin Of Survival”. Just the title invokes such musings in me. How can survival be a sim? My heart asks. When He told me this it wasn’t open for discussion but I sense from Him more that this would be an upcoming lesson for me to walk through.

Today as I woke coughing and deeply sick in the hostel here in Haifa, I was deeply troubled with my current circumstances. I was wrestling with God a bit and the cry that was pouring out of my heart was painful. My whole body aches. A donation that I had counted on simply disappeared and doesn’t look to be coming. I have $13. And my month bills hit my account today. Tomorrow I will have to check out from this hostel. I am in Obscurity so I cannot reach out to those who support me except to write about my situation here. And even that I have wrestled with. Asking for money has always been complicated… especially since most of what I’ve received I simply turn around and give away to others. But all of this… every moment… God is trying to teach me something deep…

The Sin Of Survival. I’ll try to explain…

When Adam and Eve were created and placed in the garden they did not have a “survival instinct” there simply was no need for one. There was no money, no bills, no rent, everything they could possibly need both inside and outside was provide for by God Himself. If you read the first chapter of Genesis you can read this clearly… God providing everything… Eve was even part of that provision.

Then came the fall… Adam and Eve sinned and with that disobedience came separation from God as provider. Man became separated from Him and died.

I am still trying to piece all this together really. But today I wanted to just share this thought this idea of “Survival As Sin”. Think about this…

Jesus said that we are NOT to worry about tomorrow. He said that we are to trust God to provide for us all we need for life. He said that God knows our needs and is more than able to provide for us.

So as I lay here coughing and aching. No money. No income. Homeless tomorrow without intervention from God. I ask myself, “Do I really trust God?” “Do I really, really trust Him?”

Sure… blah blah blah I gave away everything to come with nothing to a foreign land in obedience to God. That’s fantastic. Woot! Go me and all that. But deeper still… deeper still! That’s the point I’ve been trying to convey for four and half years now… deeper still! Do I trust God with my very life? With the deep mortal part of me? With that desperate need for a simple bed to sleep in or food to eat? When everything is dark and taken from me and do I still yet trust Him?

Some say I have great faith… that may be true… but there are depths to that faith that God still wants birthed in me. The faith that move mountains. The faith that reaches out and heals the sick. The faith that steps into heaven and out again on some other part of the planet. The faith that is pure power in the Holy Spirit. I’ve tasted this faith myself numerous times… but those moments were tastes of what He wants me to walk in. The fullness of who I am meant to be in Him. That faith He gave me before I was born. That raging fire of faith that destroys all doubt and fear. That faith that command the dead to rise and they rise. That faith! Solitude and obscurity. Distance from all I have loved on this earth, traded for the pursuit of God and all that God has for us as people.

Do you see the journey I am really on yet? It is for you my family and my friends! I want to die to myself and be brought to life in Him for your sake, to set an example of what God can do with someone who has been buried so deep in the earth that God can do great and mighty things with me. And for that to happen I have to die! Die and die and die! Until every bit of me is dead and then He can truly use me. Without me getting in the way.

I’ve seen it out there in my future! That walk of faith! The brilliance of the light spilling out of me onto everyone I pass because of the purity of God within me. I want that with everything in me… no matter the cost! Take everything God! Everything! Forgive me the sin of survival! And let me be buried deep in the depths of the earth and die… so that you can resurrect me into true life with you.

How can I awaken others if I myself am still dead? How can I encourage others after God if I am still trying to live?

“Is this what you want?” He asked me. No! A resounding No… this world needs love and it needs life and it needs Jesus.

What price, what cost, wouldn’t I pay to walk in the fullness of all God has for me! Everything God! Take it all! Take all my pride and my sin and my failures! Do whatever it takes to make me the man you want me to be!

I think another reason for Obscurity is that it is very hard to watch someone die. It triggers us in a deep way. To watch someone else suffer. But I have to pass through the valley of the shadow of my own death to come out on the other side refined as gold. A seed must be placed in the ground and it must die. Before true fruit can be produced.

“The produce of solitude can feed the whole world.” God said to me. And Jesus asked me, “Are you willing to become unknown so that I can be known.”

Don’t you see it? How clearly it is laid out in my journey! Death to self is the only path for those who truly seek to follow Jesus. Take up your cross and follow after Him! He said this… before He went to the cross to die.

How easily we step away from His words and forget them. I want His words to be a sword in my chest to cause me to break out in song and that desperate prayer of “God help me, a sinner!”

And even now with nothing… I hear the Spirit whisper, “You still have too much!” And so I know that I have yet to fully experience death to self.

It will be hard to read this yes… that’s good. It should be hard. You may think that you know me or that you love me… but do you really know me or love me! I often wonder. People look at me and wonder… dead man walking for sure. And I think to myself as I lay here feeling like death, with nothing… how blessed I am. Let death enfold me. Let my wants and needs find their death in Him. Let me be unknown so that He can be known. Let everything that is “me” be crucified and then let Him rise in me. So that I truly become His hands and His feet on this earth.

Time is short! Awake! Awake! Brothers and sisters! Feel the wind! It’s not too late for you yo pick up your cross and follow Him! If I could cry at the top of a mountain, “Return to the Lord! Nations of the earth!” I would. And maybe I am.

God take all I am, the good and the bad, and bring glory to your Great Name. Let my words be your words to those who find them. Speak to their spirits and burn them into them so that they consume them. Let anyone who finds these words be consumed by the power of the call of your Holy Spirit.

Do you hear that sound? It is truly the sound of an abundance of rain!