December 22nd, 2022 – 5:41am – Mom’s House, Sherman, Texas, USA:

Let’s accept for one moment my imperfection as a fact. Cracks in this clay jar as visible to myself as to those around me are constantly on the forefront of my mind. So then from there we can move on to the reason for this journey God has set me upon.

Let me tap into the deep well of my education and the study of story telling that is part of my history. Let me draw from that same deep well the experiences of my lifetime as those are the only offering I have to give you. Let me step into that place where time and distance have no meaning.

You come to read words and hope deep down that somehow these words will suddenly illuminate that place in you that you hope will drive you to your knees before the Living God and finally break you free from your slumber. You hope against hope that I will somehow say something that will finally motivate you to turn from your selfish, rebellious self and somehow find the courage to face God as Himself.

But the answers you seek aren’t found here in these words. Nope. I did not find them in the pages of a book or the words of a blog.

I had to find the very end of myself… I had to journey to the deepest place of darkness to where my most inner self finally broke. And in that extremely humiliating and utterly broken place with no hope and no future… in that place God found me. He simply said, “This is finished.” Meaning my self-dominating, self-serving life. And then He said, “Now you are going to Listen and Obey.” And He wrapped His arms around me and has been carrying me kicking and screaming down this journey of my own death to self.

People ask me questions all the time. Questions like, “How do you hear God speaking?” Or “Do you enjoy serving God?” Or “Why can’t I hear God like you do?”

Search yourself. I had to. What I found in me was a dead end life, filled with the stinking rot of my own selfishness and my endless search for personal meaning all across the many dead realms of this earth. And that discovery sickened me over and over again. I couldn’t find a way out of that treadmill or torment. No food, no sex, no relationship could fill the deep, dark nothingness in my soul.

Now listen to this carefully because I am going to answer all the questions at once, “God did and continues to do what I could not.” Did you hear me? Let me say it again, “I could not, but God could.”

Stop trying to live. Die. Trust Him to resurrect you. Anything good in me, anything good at all, does not come from me. Any light or goodness or grace or love in me is NOT from me… it comes down from God and then flows outward. Hear me! Open those stubborn ears and listen, finally listen to what I am trying to say. You can not do it on your own and you never will do it on your own. Only God can do it in you and it is not a one time thing.

Did you think that you accepted Jesus as savior and then walked off and could somehow live a good, God-pleasing life without Him? Self-righteousness stinks and it is one of the most insidious of sins. Faith is not placed in you and left there for you to access and use to your own benefit. You cannot life your life without God, somehow placing orders of Him for your selfish gain and then waiting for the delivery.

How do we still think that we can somehow be a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ, without Him actively in our daily life? When will we get it? It is a relationship, a daily, active, living, and vibrant relationship. It can be no other way!

How can we claim to follow someone who we do not know? What utter lunacy… what vain deception of our own sprits. We all, including me, on a daily basis need the wake up call of the Holy Spirit reminding us of our utter dependency on Him for EVERYTHING. Even breath.

It is funny to me that today may be our last day on this earth and yet we live as though we will have a tomorrow by some sort of ridiculous notion that we could somehow will it to happen.

Ask yourself this, “If this was my last day on earth, how would I live?” It is a hard question to be sure. And mostly we just ignore it and go on about our day. After all there is food to be eaten and friends to text with and work to get done. Why bother with questions beyond us?

Wake up! What will it take? What dead end road, what tragic trauma will have to happen for you to finally face God and treat Him as vitally important for living?

What happened to me four and half years ago shook me to the core and I realized that I needed God, not just at a distance, no, but daily and personal. I want Him. I want Him when I wake in the morning and when I go about my day and when I sleep at night. I crave Him. I crave Him more than anything. That is why I ignore what everyone else is doing and saying and keep pressing on in this journey He has set me on. I want to know Him and I want to walk with Him. I want Him as my God and my friend… at any cost.

And so I write… not because I want to… no… but because He asked me to. “Write is all down.” He asked me. And so I do.

And the truth, if you want the truth, is that I will follow Him to the ends of the earth. Why? Because He loves me. Because He is worth it. Because He is real. Because He is God. Because He created me. And I will not let anyone or anything stand in my way of knowing Him more and obeying Him. And I will not let anyone else stand in my way… as I’m sure is clear to most of you.

Take your religion and keep it to yourself. I have tasted of who God is and I want more. I want to drink of Him and I want to please Him. I want to share in the sufferings of Christ so that I can also share in His glory. I want to hear Him whisper in the mornings, “Good morning my son, how did you sleep?” And I want to feel His arms surrounding me as I lay down at night to sleep and to know He holds me tightly.

And I offer Him everything I have! “Take it all!” I shout! “If only I could know you more!” Over and over again God has asked of me everything, from people to material possessions… and I have let them go time and time again. Why? Because I want Him more!

Let me say this, and hear me clearly… “I want to know Him as my provider.” I want to and have experienced God as my provider. He has never once failed me. I have been overwhelmed with His generosity. He has given and He has taken away, and for it all I praise Him and I continue to run after Him. I want to know all of Him. I want to love Him and have that love pour like rivers out of me to others.

And again, I won’t even let my own weakness or failures or sin stand in my way. Hear that? I fail every single day. I sin horribly. My selfish heart rises up against me and defeats me daily, sometimes moment by moment. And yet still I chase Him. And He will have the victory in the end over every part of me… every selfish part of my will be taken up to His throne and have to bow itself to His will and ways.

Set your eyes on Him and start the journey toward Him. And don’t let anything or anyone come between you and Him. Trust me He is worth it.

I have slept in rich houses in total comfort and I have slept cold nights homeless behind dumpsters in the trash, and in both places I found the sweetness of His voice and His warm arms around me.

You have to choose Him yourself. No one can do that for you. So I pray that all those excuses and distractions and self-pity will be washed away by His great love and you’ll finally reach out and grab ahold of Him with everything in you.

I am painfully aware that if God does not illuminate these words of mine for you they will be worthless and useless and ineffective. So I ask the Holy Spirit to take these words and sear them across your heart today. I ask that the Holy Spirit would awaken such a hunger for God in you that it overrides and overtakes everything else in your life. I pray that you would become true and living disciples of Jesus Christ.

So let’s together set our eyes like flint of the prize set before us, God Himself, and let us run and run and run toward Him and His ways. Let’s set out on our journeys of faith and see what God will do.