December 29th, 2022 – 5:48pm – Mom’s House, Sherman, Texas, USA:

We speak of callings and gifts and all these Christian things… of ministries, of families, of churches… I am told, “Everyone has their own calling.” And “Everyone is given their own faith.” Let that be so… and I am sure it is. And if it is… then what comes next for me is a Stepping Away. A resetting. A return. A realignment. A purging. An upsetting.

You see God has shaken me over and over again. “Wake up, my son.” I hear Him say. Every time I have look away from Him and to something of this world. “But Lord, is this what I am to do?” I hear myself ask. “No.” Is His reply. “Listen and obey.”

Wake up.

Those words have echoes in my heart for four and half years. They have burned against anything I have tried to do, be, say, or have. He asked, “Is this what you want?” As I sat in my fully furnished two-bedroom house looking at my couch, 83” television, and PlayStation 5… “Are you willing to become unknown so that I can become known?” Jesus Himself asked me as I drove my car round and round the United States alone.

Wake up.

Those words echo and burn in my heart. And they are getting louder and louder. “Come.” He says, with His hand outstretched to me. “Come with me and let me show you new things.”

Wake up.

It’s the horizon calling you know. The horizon line… that border of what my eyes can see. Out there… up there… over there… away from here. Can’t you hear it? That call to rise up and come.

He asks me, “Are you willing?” And I ponder it. I sit on my ass and think about it as if it is not the greatest offer any man could ever receive. The Living God is asking me to leave everything behind and follow Him. And I think about it as if He has asked me to coffee… and I’ve already had coffee. How foolish have I been and how blind all these years?!

God is calling me to Himself. The world says… “Stay here with us.” I hear that every single day as I walk amongst those who live here. The discounts at stores, the apartments with “studios, one bedrooms, and two bedrooms.” The TVs that offer the highest resolutions. The games that promise a thrill a minute. The movies that seem to gleam with what could be. All of it cries out, “Stay with us and see what we have for you.”

And somehow I ponder it. God is calling me out, to go with Him, to be provided for by Him, to go wherever He will send me. To let go of all that would hold me back from hearing Him speak.

Jesus said, “Count the cost.” And so I guess I have for four and half years. Everything surely.

It’s a river you know… this call of His. I hear it in my soul. My spirit feels the pull of His call every moment of day and night. “Come.” I hear His voice whisper. “Come… Wake up.”

For four and half years God has asked for all that I have ever owned. He has asked for my identity, four times… the name changes. He is continuing to assault everything in me that resists Him. His jealousy for my heart overwhelms me always. I feel it from Him. He wants all of me and every single part. It overrides all my senses and consumes my every thought. I think I might go mad if I do not obey and seek Him. If I don’t respond to His calling I might just drop dead… such is the pull of His love against my heart.

When others say they care or state their love for me… it doesn’t compare to His love. How maddening this is? Right?! To feel the One who is Love drawing you closer and closer to Himself… and every part of you that is not of Him is being set ablaze… torn off… ripped off… removed… purged… challenged.

And the closer I get to His brilliant light the more the deep darkness of my heart is exposed and in full display! It is agony to see how far I still have yet to go. But I want to know Him even if it leads me to death itself. I have to know Him and I have to know every part of Him. I want to feel His heartbeat and I want to hear His whisper always. I want to feel His pleasure and His pain as I move through this world. How else can I do what I am called to do? Love God and Love Others.

Certainly love isn’t in me… but what love He has placed there.

I want you to know Him as I do… and for that to happen I have to go. If I don’t answer the call… then how can I ever have anything to offer you? As painful as the parting is… what will be the glory on the other side? Don’t keep me from answering the call. Step aside and let me go.

I see the horizon now… and so I go.