I was cleaning my apartment today and reflecting on my life… as one does. The past two weeks have been sheer… joyous trauma… no other way to put it. Never in the past six years have I experienced such wonderful experiences and such horrible horrors as I have these past two weeks. This is the journey, isn’t it?…

Just when I think that everything has settled into some predictable patterns… everything falls apart and changes. This has happened over and over and over again these past six years following after God. And all along He has been guiding and leading and shaping and refining me… through loss and suffering… through pain and grief… through lack and abundance.

I feel battered and bruised both inside and out. I feel out of control… lost… unsure… insecure… but… in the same moments… held, comforted, loved, belonging, guided, led, and cared for. How is all this possible? God. That is the answer isn’t it… held in the tension… between heaven and hell… love and hate… bliss and pain… this is the journey.

I am not ignorant of the fact that one day men and women and angels will look back on my life on this earth and see all God did in and through me for His glory. Have you ever stopped to consider this?

A moment I’d like to share… God has been doing this thing… where He places hair ties on the ground in my path to remind me of His love for me. He does this very often. Every time I see one lying there… usually they are black… He speaks softly to me saying, “Remember My love for you.” So, I had this horrible moment a few days ago where I just lost my mind and stumbled… and there… right in front of me was a black hair tie on the ground. And this time God spoke to me and He said, “You doubt my love for you.” It crushed me… quite literally crushed me. In a moment He took me back through my childhood and through all my trauma… and I saw and knew that what He had just said to me was the truth. I did doubt His love for me. If I were honest I doubt everyone’s love for me. Every single time someone has said to me: “I love you.” I have doubted it. But for me to realize that I doubted God’s love for me… well that… just can’t be so… can it? With all that I have seen and walked through these past 42 years… how could I possibly doubt His love for me? He then went on to say that the reason I doubted His love for me was that love had always been a transaction.

All I knew growing up… was people saying with their actions and behaviors:

“Be this way, and I will love you.” “Don’t do that, and I will love you.” “Do this thing for me, and I will love you.” “Be the perfect man, and I will love you.” “Be the perfect boyfriend, and I will love you.” “Don’t fail, and I will love you.”

Transactional love is all I have known… but God… keeps trying to get me to see His unconditional love for me.

Then I asked Him, “What about the books? What if I stopped writing them? Would you still love me then? What if I fail you? Walk away from you? Don’t serve you. What then? Will I still be worthy of your love for me?”

“Yes.” Has been His consistent answer all these 42 years of my life. I have just not been able to see it.

God has made it very clear this past week that I was created to worship Him and be in a relationship with Him. That is my purpose. This book series is a testimony of our relationship through the years. My running and His pursuing. My being unfaithful and Him being faithful. Him asking me and me obeying Him. Our relationship has grown and will continue to grow. This book series isn’t some Christian ministry… this book series is the real account of my relationship with Him. We are writing this book series together. He and I… together. I write because He asked me to write. I don’t have to. It’s not an obligation, it’s a joyful, creative expression of my relationship with Him.

He is fire and He is flames. He consumes us with His love. This is how it works… this mystery of sanctification… we look upon Him and we become more and more like Him.

Someone needed to hear all this I’m sure. It’s odd to suddenly be doing something and then find myself sitting here writing something… I’m not sure I’ll ever get use to that.